Congratulations! Planning your wedding is such an exciting milestone. Choosing colour themes, flower arrangements, the menu, and wedding invites will be exhilarating, and you should enjoy every second of it! Nevertheless, this is also the perfect time to take a moment to reflect on and make time to prepare for the marriage journey itself.
Congratulations! Planning your wedding is such an exciting milestone. Choosing colour themes, flower arrangements, the menu, and wedding invites will be exhilarating, and you should enjoy every second of it! Nevertheless, this is also the perfect time to take a moment to reflect on and make time to prepare for the marriage journey itself.
Great relationships are not discovered, they are created. It takes hard work and most importantly, COMMITMENT, even though it may sometimes feel difficult. This is the work of a lifetime, but the good news is that you do not have to be completely accomplished in all aspects to have a fulfilling marital relationship as it mostly involves ‘on-the-job training’. Preparation for marriage comprises four main parts:
1. Establishing the Intention and Purpose of Marriage
There are a myriad of reasons to get married. Some tie the knot because of love, some do so to avoid the feeling of loneliness, and some get married as an act of worship – which is to uphold the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad PBUH (peace and blessings be upon him). Regardless of the reason, the underlying intent of marriage is to forge a sacred bond between a man and a woman. The bond is so sacred that it has been characterised as one of the signs of Allah’s Greatness.
And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.
Surah Ar-Rum 30:21
As we make the decision of matrimony, we take on the task and responsibility of preserving, protecting and strengthening that marital bond.
Your intents and purposes for marriage may differ from other couples, and it is perfectly fine. What is important is that both of you are aware of each other’s intentions, so as to be able to remind one another why you are in this union in the first place. Sometimes, we need to be reminded of our intents and purposes throughout our marriage.
2. Developing Essential Qualities
Part of the work of creating a great marriage is cultivating the qualities within you that are necessary that are necessary to living together in a respectful, peaceful, and loving co-creative partnership. Examples of these qualities include patience, persistence, commitment, faithfulness, responsibility, resilience, courage, honesty, forgiveness, generosity, and goodwill.
We begin our marriage preparation by standing in front of the mirror. While picking the right person is an essential part of the process to a successful marriage, the more important factor is how we EVOLVE into the right person. Instead of looking for the partner of our dreams, we must become the partner of our dreams.
3. Cultivating the Necessary Skills
Effective communication, encompassing speaking respectfully and non-reactive listening, is an essential skill. Communication also occurs non-verbally and includes facial expressions, gestures, physical contact and body language. Other skills are active participation and cooperation, negotiating for our own needs, setting boundaries, conflict management, and practising emotional honesty, which includes frequent expression of appreciation and gratitude.
How do we handle conflict and stress as a couple?
If we are honest about it, the life stresses we face are only likely to increase over time. You will face problems both as an individual and as a couple, with others, and between the both of you. Being compatible when it comes to the way in which you react to conflict and stress is a crucial skill to develop in any long-lasting relationship. The first days and months of marriage motivate us to show our better nature in many ways; we restrain our tempers, show tolerance and support, and keep the emotional outbursts to ourselves, not wanting to spoil the moments we share together. Marriage will change this, and all your emotional reactions will eventually become visible. This is why it is important to consider how both of you handle stress and how you react to conflicts. Do you retreat, do you become clingy, do you yell, do you feel angry or sad? Do you know how to communicate assertively? And more importantly – how can you improve on these skills as a couple?
4. Mastering the Art of Asking the Right Questions
Many couples shy away from asking difficult questions for fear of disturbing the romance of their relationship. Marriage can maintain its romance for a long time, but problems may arise as a marriage evolves. This is why marriage preparation will prove to be a decisive factor in whether these big issues destroy your relationship, or motivate you both to thrive. Don’t be afraid to talk about problems before they make their appearance – that is a sign of caring about your future wife or husband, and wanting to do everything there is for your future together.
It is not necessary or even possible to completely resolve these differences prior to getting married. It is enough to realise that they are real and that there is a need to identify them, acknowledge them, and put them on the table for discussion. Ask yourselves:
Children
Is there an agreement about when to have children? How many? Who will take care of them? How to raise them? If there are problems with fertility, is adoption an option? If we have a change of heart about our responses to any of these questions, how do we negotiate our prior agreements?
In-Laws
What is our policy regarding family visits on holidays? How do we deal with aging or dependent parents? How do we deal with conflicts involving our parents or in-laws?
Money
What are our expectations of each other for financial contributions to the family household? What is the maximum one person can spend without consent from the other? Do we need a combined budget? Who manages the bills?
Friendships
Is it ok for each other to have friends of the opposite sex? How much time can we spend with our friends? What can we do if our spouse feels neglected when we spend time with friends or colleagues?
Sexuality
How do we handle differences in sexual desire? How open are we to different sexual techniques? Is there a willingness to seek professional help if there is a sexual problem? If so, when? How do we deal with it if one person wants to get help and the other doesn’t?
Separatedness and togetherness
What would be the ideal amount of time spent together and apart for each of us? What if it is more important to have “me time” for one person?
Privacy
What is our policy regarding sharing personal and marital concerns with personal and marital concerns with other people? What is our policy regarding sharing of photos and family events on social media?
Love
What are each of our preferred ways of having love expressed?
Anyone with motivation and a willingness to work on their own marriage/relationship is capable of achieving success, regardless of their background, personal history, personality or predispositions. You are more capable of creating a great relationship than you realise.
Reference:
1. Bloom, L & C (2017, May 22). The Best Preparation for Marriage. Qualities, skills and the right questions. www.psychologytoday.com
2. SalamSG TV. (2020, Sep 26). Muhasabah Masyarakat bersama Mufti [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cajrb5DHSFs&t=275s
There are Marriage Preparation and Support Programmes that you can sign up for to facilitate some of the above-mentioned recommendations.
You can find out more about marriage preparation programmes here:
https://www.msf.gov.sg/what-we-do/support-families-and-parents/article/programmes/Preparing-for-Marriage
Rumah tangga yang kukuh, berasaskan persiapan yang cukup dari segi rohani, jasmani dan kewangan. Dalam usaha kita membina rumah tangga yang mantap, kita memerlukan komitmen dan niat mahu berusaha bersama. Kadangkala anda memerlukan pendapat, bantuan atau pun sokongan daripada ahli keluarga dan sahabat handai yang sudah berpengalaman. Persiapan bagi setiap pasangan yang bakal menempuh alam rumah tangga dapat memberi mereka daya kekuatan untuk menghadapi cabaran yang bakal dilalui. Ini harus diperkasakan dengan ilmu.
Antara persediaan yang boleh dilakukan oleh para mempelai adalah:
- Menanam niat utama berumah tangga. Kongsi harapan anda bersama pasangan.
- Muhasabah, dan kenal pasti kekuatan dan sifat-sifat positif yang wujud dalam diri anda. Gunakan sifat-sifat tersebut untuk memperkasakan hubungan rumah tangga anda. Pasangan yang ideal bermula daripada diri anda sendiri.
- Timbalah ilmu dan kemahiran yang dapat membantu mengukuhkan perhubungan rumah tangga. Antara kemahiran yang penting dipelajari adalah kemahiran berkomunikasi secara efektif, bagaimana mengatasi konflik, mengurus kewangan dan sebagainya.
- Jangan takut untuk membincangkan isu-isu yang dianggap berat tetapi penting. Anda mungkin belum mendapat kata sepakat dalam isu-isu tersebut. Sekurang-kurangnya, isu-isu ini dapat dibincangkan dan pasangan tahu akan perasaan dan peniliaian anda mengenainya.
Bincanglah tentang perasaan, harapan, peranan dan tanggungjawab suami isteri sebelum berumah tangga. Oleh itu, pasangan amat dialu-alu menghadiri kursus pra-nikah untuk bersedia menempuh alam rumah tangga.
