The wedding is over and you are now officially husband and wife! But that is just a change in status, the real hard work begins now.
Make Commitment the Foundation of Your Marriage
What is commitment?
The dictionary defines commitment as willingness to give your time and energy to something that you believe in, or a promise or firm decision to do something.
Believe.
It takes trust to believe. Mutual trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, especially in a marriage. As newlyweds, this is even more important as the both of you are embarking on a journey into new horizons. Trust can be built between two people by:
- Being open – Meaning no secrets. Be honest about the issues that the two of you face.
- Better communication – Instead of bottling up your feelings, speak up. Do it face-to-face. Open communication helps in connecting and building trust.
- Sharing new experiences – Whether it is learning new things or travelling together, sharing new experiences strengthens bonds and the marriage.
How does commitment keep a marriage strong?
A marriage like any relationship, has its ups and downs. It is easy to be lovey-dovey when everything is going well. Commitment is what keeps a marriage going when things are down.
Also, do not forget that a marriage is a union of two families. Family support is crucial when the going gets tough.
Negotiating Realistic Expectations
You may have known your spouse for decades before marriage, or you might have just gotten to know your spouse for a short period of time. Despite the length of your relationship pre-marriage, both of
you are new to this union, and consequently each of you brings in an aspiration and vision of how your marriage will look like, as well as how you and your spouse should perform roles and responsibilities.
Communicate your expectations clearly and check with your spouse what he/she expects of you. Be honest with each other about your strengths and weaknesses, and be gracious and merciful towards each other’s capabilities, or lack thereof. Aspire to constantly check on each other’s well-being and how your spouse is coping with his/her tasks. Remember that in this marriage, you are a team.
Roles and Responsibilities of Marriage in Islam
Islam holds both husband and wife accountable to how they lead and manage the marriage and family. Differences in roles do not mean inferiority or superiority of one over the other. Differences in roles serve as complementary to one another. You and your partner need to mutually discuss your respective roles and responsibilities in the marriage.
These verses succinctly capture the essence of how the rights of and responsibilities towards each spouse should manifest, and that in general, a person should treat their spouse how they would like to be treated in return.
Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them.
Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187
How to Do Well in Your First Year of Marriage
As the reality of married life sinks in, many newlyweds find themselves face-to-face with new experiences such as managing combined finances, handling idiosyncrasies that were once thought of as cute, and working to fit around each other’s schedule. Some of these new challenges can take a toll on a couple’s relationship.
However, all is not lost when things get overwhelming. It helps to know that there is always a transition period whenever you progress to a new stage of your relationship. Using Tuckman’s model of team development, every new team (you and your spouse) starts from:
- ‘Forming’ (getting married or facing a new situation), and moving on to
- ‘Storming’ (facing differences),
- ‘Norming’ (understanding and accepting one another) and finally,
- ‘Performing’ (thinking alike).
With relevant know-how, both of you are well on your way to gaining ground in your first year. It is also important to remember that your spouse is not the enemy, but your comrade-in-arms!
We’ve gathered some tips on how you can work towards a wonderful and enjoyable first year of marriage:
1. Build Boundaries and Form Good Habits
Establishing boundaries and forming good habits at the start will help set the right tone for your marriage. Even if you’ve failed, try again. It’ll get better the next time. Growing as an individual and as a couple is an ongoing process — a series of learning and re-learning.
2. Learn to Take Care of Yourself
When you are exhausted — emotionally, physically and socially — you will find it hard to look after each other. Discuss with your spouse and reach an understanding that setting aside some me time to recharge will benefit both of you in the long-run.
3. Establish Friendships with Couples in Healthy Relationships
Surround yourself with couples who can be counted on to provide a listening ear and sound advice.
4. Continue Scheduling Date Nights
Even when you don’t feel like it or might be caught up with other commitments, scheduling time for regular date nights will be beneficial to your marriage by keeping the romance and sparks alive!
5. Create New Traditions and Memories
Creating new traditions and shared memories strengthens your bond. Besides, the excitement of something new can help spice things up in your marriage.
6. Constantly encourage each other to strive to be better Muslims
In the marriage sermon (khutba) that the Prophet s.a.w taught us, he would recite the Qur’anic verses on taqwā, or being cognizant of God’s presence. It is thus important to establish God-consciousness in a marriage.
Examples could be regularly praying in congregation at home, motivating each other to do qiyām and have that intimate conversation with God, encouraging each other to relay fears, worries, and concerns to Allah and to be vulnerable in front of Him, making duaas for the spouse, marriage, and family, and to constantly seek forgiveness not just from God but from each other. Daily prayers are important in maintaining that consistent connection with God, helping to bring marital satisfaction.
With life’s ups and downs, married life might not be a bed of roses every time. However, what makes it special is that you’ve got your best friend alongside you (and growing with you) on this exciting journey!
Planning for Your First Home Together
At the end of the day, you are doing this to build a home that you and your family can live comfortably in, one that will meet your needs. With that, focus on ensuring that your plans are financially prudent. This allows you to spend your time together building your marriage instead of needing to worry about financial woes.
Agree on Your Priorities
We all look forward to having a place of our own. However, a home of your own will mean having to be responsible for property taxes, utility bills, service/conservancy charges, groceries and your daily meals. These costs which used to be taken care of by your parents will soon become additional costs to your personal expenses every month.
These are just the first in a series of financial expenses which you and your spouse will have to plan for. The financial commitments you take on will have an impact on the quality of your family’s future.
Therefore, the first and most important discussion you must have together has to be: “How much money should we save, and what are our financial aspirations?” A clear understanding of each other’s needs and priorities will allow you to minimise disagreements about how you plan your finances, fund your new home, and the type of home you aspire to live in.
Know Your Options
Once you understand the financial commitments you are prepared to make, spend time exploring what is available and your options.
Some things you might want to find out about are:
- Housing grants from the HDB
- Housing loan amounts that you are eligible to secure
- Your available CPF and cash savings for a first-time flat purchase
Visit HDB’s InfoWEB at www.hdb.gov.sg to get help with financial planning, as well as to apply for HDB Loan Eligibility, and obtain more information on buying a flat.
Focus on Building a Home
At the end of the day, you are doing this to build a home that you and your family can live comfortably in, one that will meet your needs. With that, focus on ensuring that your plans are financially prudent. This allows you to spend your time together building your marriage instead of needing to worry about financial woes.
Reference:
1. familiesforlife.sg
2. Office of the Mufti (MUIS)
Kini, bermulalah proses membina identiti keluarga anda. Pertama sekali, kukuhkan asas rumah tangga anda dengan sama-sama memupuk iltizam atau komitmen yang padu terhadap perhubungan ini. Bincangkan jangkaan peranan dan tanggungjawab masing-masing. Hadapi perbincangan ini dengan sifat terbuka dan penuh dengan rasa ihsan dan kasih sayang. Anda berdua mesti yakin dengan masjid yang dibina ini. Tahun pertama kadangkala boleh jadi mencabar kerana inilah tahun pertama anda menjalani hidup bersama. Anda berdua perlu bersifat bertimbang rasa kerana anda berdua belum terbiasa dengan tabiat masingmasing. Apabila mula hidup bersama, anda perlu fikirkan tentang keserasian pasangan anda terhadap tabiat anda. Keserasian ini lebih menyerlah apabila anda berdua mencari, membeli dan mencantikkan kediaman pertama bersama-sama. Berbincanglah dan buat penilaian kewangan dengan teliti supaya proses membeli rumah berjalan dengan sempurna.
