When life gets tougher

Every couple can be affected by tough times. Couples may face major life transitions, such as a new baby, new job, or a new house. They may face ongoing stressors, such as a spouse’s ill health or a negative work environment. They may also face losses, such as the death of a friend or a family member, or retrenchment. While tough times affect us all, they can pile on additional stress to your romantic relationship.

Every Day is a Choice to Stay Married

Healthy couples get through these tough times, and tough times can actually help a couple draw closer.

How to Prioritise Your Marriage

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter the least.

Johan Wolfgang von Goethe, German literary figure, scientist, and statesman

A good marriage does not happen naturally — it requires effort and commitment from both parties. But what does it mean to prioritise your marriage?

1. Remember, Both of You are Teammates

A good marriage is one where you remain true to each other even when the going gets tough. Your commitment to weathering the storms of life together, helps in strengthening your bond as a couple. You’re on the same team. You are not enemies. When you function as teammates, it is easier to tackle life’s problems together, and it is less likely that you will turn against one another.

Tips for sticking together:

1. Find a trusted counsellor for objective help. This can facilitate your goal and primary objective, which is sticking together and coming out of the conflict stronger
2. Face your conflicts head-on together, don’t bury or avoid them!
3. Don’t assassinate one another’s character or belittle each other. Harsh words said out of spite will not only hurt the other party but will destroy the relationship with time. Abu Musa al-Ash’ari reported: I asked the Messenger of Allah s.a.w “Who is the most excellent among the Muslims?” He said, “One who avoids harming the Muslims with his tongue and hands.” [Sahih al-Bukhari: 10] Choose to support and lift your partner up, especially on days when no one else will. Doing so not only lifts your spirits up, but also leads to a stronger marriage! Show the world you are an unbeatable couple
4. Communicate openly about what you are going through, and listen to one another
5. Be present for each other
6. When you need a time-out, inform your spouse of your intention and assure him/her that you will come back to deal with the issue at hand
7. Find a trusted counsellor for objective help. This can facilitate your goal and primary objective, which is sticking together and coming out of the conflict stronger

2. Put Your Spouse First, In Front of the Kids

When kids arrive, they can throw everything into disarray — your schedule, your plans, your goals.

Let them steal your hearts, but not your marriage.

As we all know too well, having children takes up a lot of time and energy.
However, you should take note that growing apart and jeopardising your marriage will lead to an unhealthy environment for your children to grow up in.

To provide a safe and happy environment for your children to grow up in, you should therefore prioritise your marriage. Of course, that is not to say that you should neglect your children. In fact, this will help to ensure a warm and loving family.

3. Create Your Own Marriage Rules

Here’s an exercise: Imagine what you want your marriage to look like in the future. Think about what you should do to get there. For example, does it involve a routine or new habit the two of you should form together? Does it involve making some rules about how you conduct yourselves in your relationship?

Make these expectations clear, and communicate them to your spouse to make it happen.

Examples of what could go into your list:

• Having a bedtime routine/rule, such as never going to bed angry, touching toes before sleeping, etc
• Never saying “You never…” to one another
• Never complain about your spouse to other family members
• Agreeing to spend a weekend alone, at least once a month

Every marriage is different. Discuss with your partner and create rules suited to your relationship.

4. Celebrate Marriage/Life Milestones Together

People love rejoicing to any occasion. In the early years, you have many milestones to celebrate, such as going on your first trip together, having your first child, celebrating your child’s first birthday, and so on.

Over the years, new milestones may seem few and far between. However, don’t forget that maintaining the marriage itself is good news that’s worth celebrating! Such ‘celebrations’ do not have to be huge and fancy affairs. Recognising them together is one way of showing your love and appreciation, and expressing the importance of the other in your life. You can choose to mark your anniversary by perhaps watching a movie together, or exchanging cards with personalised messages.

Remember that your spouse is your “forever” person, and will need your love as much as your children do.

5. Cultivate Intimacy

Love has its natural ebb and flow. It is almost guaranteed that most marriages will experience dry spells in the midst of hard times. Tough situations are very consuming, and that can drain all your energy before you are able to give your marriage the attention it needs. If you’ve managed to hold onto each other and get through your unique crises and challenges together, you are already one step ahead of the pack. Clearly, your commitment to each other is still there, but having been tested, the both of you might be feeling pretty empty, emotionally. However, just because your relationship does not feel fulfilling at the moment, it does not mean that it is dead. It simply needs to be revived. You’re not going to feel emotionally connected to each other 100% of the time, and that is just how life is sometimes. The trick is learning to become connected again, and you can do this by cultivating intimacy.

To ignite more intimacy in your marriage:

• Revisit things you have in common
• Reminisce together
• Invest in interests or activities that excite your spouse
• Laugh together!



Tough times can take a lot out of you, but laughing together will help you revive the connection that you have been lacking. Bring that back to life, and you’ll be amazed at what it does for your marriage.

Married couples may face conflicts and differing expectations in their relationship, leading to marital stress. Do not wait until it is too late to get help. Relationships do not fall apart overnight. The longer the problem stays, the more the relationship becomes strained. Seek early help from a professional to work with you and your spouse on improving your marital relationship. A counsellor can help you and your spouse to:

• Understand the issues and conflicts in your marriage
• Improve your marriage by working through the issues and reasons for conflict
• Discover internal resources and strengths that could strengthen your marriage
• Communicate and re-connect with your spouse
• Regain the trust and commitment in your marriage

It is important to show mercy in times of stress. The Prophet (PBUH)
said. “The best of you is he who is best to his family”

Mishkat al-Masabih: 3252, 3253

It is stated in another hadith that the Prophet (PBUH) said,
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman, if he dislikes
one characteristic of hers, then let him be pleased with another.”

Muslim: 1468

Reference:
1. familiesforlife.sg
2. www.msf.gov.sg
3. SalamSG TV. (2020, Sep 26). Muhasabah Masyarakat bersama Mufti [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cajrb5DHSFs&t=275s
4. Office of the Mufti, MUIS